These are all of the Snake codec messages for the characters of Smash Bros Lawl. Characters are listed in alphabetical order and will include references to their source material and interesting trivia about each call. Grammatical mistakes are also left as they were initially presented in each original call.
Snake: This guy is using geeky Nintendo stuff to fight me!
Otacon: So Snake, you're fighting AVGN?
Snake: Yeah I will kick his ass!
Otacon: But... why? He's a big star!
Snake: It's my mission to own this geeky guy.
Otacon: But Snake, do you have any idea how excited I am that he's here in Lawl? Snake... ? SNAAAAA-
(Otacon is replaced in the call with Colonel)
Snake: Colonel! Hacked right into my channel, huh...
Colonel: You shouldn't be talking about AVGN with Otacon... He's one heck of a fanboy... AVGN leads an entire army of fanboys. He's that famous.
Snake: You know... AVGN is not the only geeky guy with glasses on the field of battle... does he get along with the Nostalgia Critic?
(Colonel is replaced in the call with Otacon)
Otacon: Nope... they fought an epic battle and AVGN kicked his butt. He will kick your butt too Snake...
Snake: Shut up butthurt fanboy!
- The battle Otacon refers to was the (intended) finale of the AVGN v.s. Nostalgia Critic series of videos, and, as he mentions, the Nerd was the one to emerge victorious.
- The Colonel mentions the Nerd's fanbase and their status as being vocal fanboys.
- This is the first codec (along with the very first time in the series) that the game is referred to as Lawl.
Mei Ling: Snake, have you ever heard of Mad Father?
Snake: Yeah, I know... I'm getting sick of it actually.
Mei Ling: The poor little girl had such a hard life... her father tried to kill her.
Snake: ... give me a break! I can relate to that... her father at least loved her.
Mei Ling: Yeah... she may look cute, but be careful... all that training she did has made her a super killer.
Snake: I can relate to that...
Mei Ling: Uhh... yeah...
Snake: Otacon, this guy doesn't look like Hercules... tell me what you know about him.
Otacon: I... really don't have the time right now...
Snake: Ugh! Think Otacon!
Otacon: Well, um...
Snake: What are you, some kind of retard?
Otacon: ...No teasing!
(Otacon starts crying while depressing music in the background plays.)
Snake: ...are you crying? You're one good looking caller.
Otacon: ...I am?
Otacon: Well, I do read... Thank you Snake, I feel better now!
Colonel: Hi, Colonel here with information about Billy Mays!
Solid Snake: Tell me what you know about that guy.
Colonel: It's all yours... for only $19.99! Order right now and I'll include information about Vince!
Snake: ... I forgot my wallet...
Colonel: ... Sorry Snake...
- Colonel's sayings are based on lines from commercials, such as "For only $19.99!"
- Colonel also mentions infamous pitchman Vince Offer, famous for advertising the Slap-Chop and the Sham-Wow.
Solid Snake: Hey, that's Bison isn't it?
Snake: Does he get along with Guile?
Snake: Are you serious?
Snake: Are you gay?
Snake: Are you straight?
Snake: Otacon, what's gotten into you?
Otacon: Yes! Yes! Yes! *repeatedly says "Yes!"*
(Otacon is interrupted by Colonel)
Colonel: Otacon can't work, he's fired.
(the theme that plays during the "YES! YES!" scene is played)
Snake: Yes! ... Yes!
- Pretty much the whole codec is a reference to Bison's Yes! Yes! meme.
Snake: ... this guy... I just don't like him...
Colonel: You're fighting Trejo, eh Snake? He's the greatest ghost hunter in the world. Well, so he says anyway... He's the leader of a ragtag team of ghost hunter bikers. They're the long-time rivals of Maussan.
Snake: Seems to me they'd get in each other's way fighting to see who gets to the alien first.
Colonel: Snake... Snake!
(Colonel morphs into Otacon)
(Snake transforms into Mei Ling)
Mei Ling: Mei Ling.
(scene cuts to the Gainax Ending of Evangelion, with Colonel, Otacon, and Mei Ling clapping)
Mei Ling: Congratu- *cut off by Snake*
Snake: AAAAAHHHH!!! ... Snapped out of it!
- This codec is a spoof of the infamous ending of Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Snake: Colonel! This guy keeps demanding funds for his rent!
Colonel: That's Don Ramon you're fighting, Snake...
(Otacon randomly appears)
Otacon: Yeah, I would like two with extra cheese...
Snake: Otacon! Hacked right into my channel, huh.
Otacon Nope, wrong number...
Snake: Inter-channel punch!
(Punching sound as Otacon's screen shakes)
Snake: Otacon! There's a fat bald guy on a strange ship...
Otacon: That'd be Dr. Robotnik. He's bald because Sonic made him tear every hair from his beautiful head. He really hates that hedgehog!
Snake: Hmm... I think we can get along...
Otacon: Nope, I don't think so... His ambition is to rule the world, so he can't count on other people. Instead he has an army of robots.
Snake: So... he built his army...
Snake: And I suppose he built modern weapons and shit...
Otacon: Yes! He has a whole arsenal of weapons at his disposal. He has a ray gun so powerful that it makes his fat ass fly a little... He may have countless machines, but his most dangerous weapon is not mechanical... but biological...
Snake: What do you mean Otacon?
Otacon: Well, um... keep snooping around and you'll find out...
- Snake mentions that he may get along with Robotnik due to also disliking Sonic, an allusion to his codec on Sonic in the original game.
Colonel: Snake, do you know that crazy doctor with a blue rival?
Snake: Dr. Robotnik...
Colonel: No Snake, Wily. Watch out for Wily's inventions.
Snake: Don't worry, I have my inventions.
Colonel: Like what?
Snake: This one can pull the caall out of its ooorbit.
(Snake is replaced in the call with Otacon)
Otacon: Ooh wait, here's the best part... Snake will get the best out of you!
Colonel: Oh no.
Solid Snake: What's going on here?! This old guy is using fire magic...
Colonel: That's Frollo, Snake. Frollo first appeared as Quasimodo's rival. But he really made his name in The Frollo Show.
Snake: Are you kidding me?!
Colonel: Sadly yes, I am kidding. The Frollo Show is not that famous. Otacon just showed it to me yesterday.
Snake: Should I keep a lookout for his fire magic thingy?
Colonel: That's pyrokinesis, Snake. And yes, watch out for Frollo's fire. It burns to the flesh and bone.
Snake: Don't worry, you know from experience that I'm so much purer than those weak, licentious people. So... what do you think of Mei Ling?
Colonel: (singing) Like fire, hellfire, this fire in my skin...
Snake: Who does he think he is?! That guy is tangling with the wrong man!
Otacon: ...Oh! You mean Gaston? But he's everyone's favorite guy! As you can tell, he's got biceps to spare. And every last bit of him is covered with hair...
Snake: Doesn't look that tough to me...
Otacon: ...When he was young, he used to eat four dozen eggs every morning...
Snake: That was a long time ago... Is he still eating eggs?
Otacon: Yes! He's still at it... But now he eats five dozen eggs! He's the size of a BAAARGE!
Snake: Do modern weapons work against him? Do I even have a chance?
Snake: ...This is more than I can bare...
Snake: What's going on here? What happened to Guile?
Mei-Ling: That's just him in his toon mode Snake...
Solid Snake: ...I think he is completely different...
Mei-Ling: They do have certain things in common... Green clothes...
Snake: ...that's all?
- Snake: Otacon! There's a Texan father wearing glasses.
- Otacon: I tell you what... Hank Hill will kick your ass! He's the master of the fighting arts with propane and propane accessories. And he throws things.
- Snake: ... No more bouncing that ball!
Snake: ... That girl won't talk with me 'cause I'm ordinary! She asks if I know any aliens, time travelers, or espers. Give me a break!
Otacon: Actually, I am an extraterrestrial.
(Mei Ling appears)
Mei Ling: Time Travel
(Wild Colonel appears)
Colonel: I am an esper. But my powers don't work here.
Solid Snake: That guy, with the moustache...
Colonel: Yes Snake... that's Hitler. He first appeared as the great and terrible king of Germany. Now he gets informed about random shit... and is the long-time rival of Fegelein. He leads an entire army of soldiers and commanders... but I'd worry more about his rants if I were you. The instant he gets mad, there's a huge buildup of energy in his center of gravity.
Snake: So... he puts a lot of energy into ranting... he could be a YouTube commenter.
Snake: Aaah there’s another Madotsuki walking around here! Why does this one has creepy dreams?
Otacon: …Actually… she doesn’t.
Snake: Doesn’t feel right fighting someone in a fashionable dress tho.
Otacon: …Actually… she kicks ass. At a young age she got split from her parents and got in a world where everything is weird. She’s been in places and seen things people like you and me can’t even begin to imagine.
Snake: Oohh shit…
Colonel: Snake, you know who that is?
Solid Snake: ... No...
Colonel: He's I.M. Meen. You don't know who he is because he made his only appearance in a DOS game. He's not that famous.
Snake: This guy kinda gives me the creeps...
Colonel: Me too, Snake. He loves to molest good kids. He collects good kids with a magic book.
Snake: ...magic book? Are you kidding me?!
Colonel: No, I am not kidding. So try not to get caught in his magic book. It might be your worst nightmare...
Snake: Ugh, that's a scary thought...Creepy.
Solid Snake: This fat guy is going to be easy to beat.
Otacon: That'd be the Irate Gamer. As you can tell, he's got countless flawls. He may be a weakling, but he's got a powerful ability that has made him an internet force to be reckoned with! That'd be his Copy Ability, that allows him to mimick opponents and steal their ideas.
Snake: So... he uses my moves I worked so hard on... how fustrating!*
Otacon: Oh, and Snake...
Otacon: Please kick his ass!
Snake: Got it.
- the words "flawls" and "fustrating" are jokes on how the Irate Gamer misspells them in his videos.
Colonel: I can't believe that he would make it this far...
Snake: Daily Bugle was designed to launch a new type of nuclear warhead wasn't it? Does the White House know about this? How deep does it go?
Colonel: Damn... Snake, the government has decided to not give in to their demands. We're trying to buy some more time... Bust him and get to his communications tower!
Snake: ...it's back to the mission for me...
Snake: Otacon, this old guy is going nuts...
Otacon: Yeah... that'd be Jaime Maussan. His ambition is to see an extraterrestrial.
Snake: ... Give me a break!
Otacon: Actually, I have filmings of a different species that appeared in my house. Watch out for Maussan's portals... if they get you, you'll be swallowed whole.
Snake: Got it.
- When Otacon talks about the species that appears in his house, then immediately goes to talking about Maussan's portals, it is a reference to an actual line from one of Maussan's shows. He claims to have filmed supernatural evidence in his house, abruptly changes the subject, and never mentions it again.
Solid Snake: Otacon, I'm fighting a King! Where is his kingdom anyway?
Otacon: How did you know he was a king? ...Yeah... he's the king of Hyrule.
Snake: Hyrule has a king? I did not know that...
Otacon: You did not know The King since he was a character who appeared in two shitty CD-I games. I wouldn't be playing those games if I were you, Snake...
Snake: Why is he throwing dinner around like it was nothing?! What a waste of food...
Otacon: The King is a dinner fanatic. As you can tell, he's got dinner to spare. And he can shoot over 9000 dinners with his epic gun: The Dinner Blaster.
Otacon: Oh, and don't get beaten by the King, or you will be scrubbing all the floors in Hyrule...
Snake: I wonder what's for dinner...
Snake: Hey... that's Leonidas isn't it?
Otacon: Good eye, Snake! He's the king of Sparta. He also is the captain of his army. He's got Spartans to spare... A force that will kick your butt.
Snake: Tell me more about Leonidas...
Otacon: But you already know him don't you?
Snake: I've just seen his movie.
Otacon: Well, um... He used to be a weakling, but countless trials over the years have toughened him up.
Snake: Yeah I know that...
Otacon: Yeah, well... The king who fought the epic battle with Xerxes was this guy.
Snake: That was a long time ago... what about now? Does he get along with Xerxes?
Otacon: Nope, they're still at it... Seems like they're always competing in something: Bloody Wars... Kart racing, sports... you name it.
Snake: You know... seeing Leonidas here reminds me: we should do that thing we always wanted to try...
Otacon: Oooh! Yeah! That thing! Good idea! Ok, ready... GO!
Snake: This is Sparta.
Otacon: This is Spartaah...
Snake: Wow... we REALLY suck at this...
Snake: Colonel, that quiet girl kind of gives me the creeps...
Colonel: That's Madotsuki. Her attacks are various effects she found in her dream world.
Snake: What do you mean Colonel?
Colonel: The place she goes the instant she falls asleep. I think it's more of a nightmare world...
Colonel: Each effect represents a part of what she's made of. By controlling each, she gains control of her life.
Snake: You're kidding right? That theory sucks balls! Mei Ling sure knows Chinese girls better than you... Mei Ling, why does Madotsuki has creepy dreams?
Mei Ling: The poor little guy has had such a hard life...
Snake: ...that's all?
Mei Ling: Yeah...
Snake: You know, Otacon sure knows his geeky stuff... Otacon, tell me what you know about this Chinese girl.
Otacon: Snake, Madotsuki is Japanese, and she's dangerous. She's been in places and seen things that people like you and me can't even begin to imagine.
Snake: But why?
Otacon: I dunno, but those effects she has are the real deal...
Snake: Otacon! Tell me why she has creepy dreams.
Otacon: Well um, she's a weird girl...
Snake: Are you kidding me!? That theory sucks more than Colonel's...
Slippy: Hey Snake! This is Slippy!
Snake: Heeey! What happened?
Slippy: Just thought I'd hop in the wireless and give you a holler (?)!
Snake: Soo... what's your theory on Madotsuki's creepy dreams?
Slippy: She got raped.
Snake: Wow, tell me more!
Colonel: Stop talking bullshit! Now get out there and cause her more nightmares.
- This is the first Snake Codec to feature more than one person talking to Snake.
Snake: This guy looks just like Luigi...
Otacon: That's Mama Luigi to you, Snake! He may look like Luigi, but he's got more epic moves. He can fly using a magic balloon and he also has the ability to chisel footballs. On top of that, he can use his maternal instincts to make you sleep.
Snake: You didn't tell me he was brining a secret weapon...
Otacon: That'd be his son baby Yoshi. He's got a powerful stomach that let's him swallow and digest anything. He loves to eat long animals, like caterpillars, or snakes...
Snake: Huh? Was it something I said? Otacon! Wherever you are! HEEEEEEEEEALP!
Snake: That girl, with the knife. Looks like she can snap at any moment! I don't even wanna get near her!
Mei Ling: Snake, she's like that because she comes from a world of solitude! The poor little girl's has such a hard life...
Snake: Yeah... yeah... boohoo... This is why I never talk to you, Mei Ling.
(Mei Ling is replaced with Otacon)
Snake: Otacon, you tell me about knife girl here.
Otacon: She may look human, but actually, she's a painting brought to life.
Snake: ... A lifeless portrait, suddenly getting up, and interacting... that's a scary thought!
Otacon: ... Yeah...
(Note- throughout this codec, Arnold Schwarzenegger's quotes are not subtitled, nor does a picture of him appear in the codec)
Colonel: Hi Colonel here!
Arnold: I'm detective John Kimble!
Colonel: What do you want?
Arnold: Yes, I would like to have a room, please.
Colonel: Sorry, I don't own a hotel yet...
Arnold: WHAT DAH FAUCK?! I'm a cop, you ehdiot! I hope you have enough room for my fist because I'm gonna ram it into your stomach, and BREAHK YOUR GOD DAMN SPINE!
Colonel: If you're a cop, than give me your data...
Arnold: Ok, do you want names and addresses?
Arnold: Sure... (Cue random noises of Arnold in pain)
Colonel: Thank you for calling, have a good day.
- New Hercules's codec is the only Snake Codec where Snake doesn't talk.
Snake: This guy is going nuts Colonel...
Snake: Some crazy guy.
Colonel: What is it? What is it? What is it?
Colonel: Killing me won't bring back your goddamn honey.
Snake: Mei Ling, who's this guy with the glasses?
Mei Ling: He's the Nostalgia Critic. He remembers it so you don't have to.
Snake: This guy is giving off powerful explosions. I don't wanna even get near him...
Mei Ling: The poor little guy has such a hard life... He faced all kinds of shitty movies... like Kazaam, Mario Bros., and North.
Snake: Uggh, I've seen it... that cheap movie makes my skin crawl...
Mei Ling: Yeah... and after that, his rage slowly grew stronger. I think he formed a rage that's so strong, that he can turn it into explosions.
Snake: Isn't that Mako from the Chinese movies?
Mei Ling: Yeah... the Critic made fun of him in a review.
Snake: Really? I'll punch his balls!
Mei Ling: But be careful... his rage makes him a powerful guy...
Snake: Give me a break... it's not like I'm fighting an elephant.
(the Burger King appears the fuck out of nowhere)
Burger King: *naaaaaaaaaaaaa*
Snake: What are you, some kind of king???
Snake: So... those two are Panty and Stocking, huh?
Otacon: Yes! They are angels.
Snake: Angels? Give me a break! Are you kidding me?!
Otacon: Nope... They can turn their underwear into mysterious weapons.
Snake: ... This is making my head hurt.
Otacon: If you get hit by a Heaven charged shot from those weapons, you can kiss your butt goodbye...
Snake: ...I don't want.
Otacon: And they preform a pole dance before charging their weapons.
Snake: Hey... I want!
Otacon: Ugh... Snake...
Snake: First angels and now demons... I'm sick of mindfucks.
Otacon: Yes! They're the demon sisters! They also do erotic dances.
Snake: Hey... I want!
Otacon: Snake, their dance is dangerous... it's so sexy that you can die.
Snake: ... I want!
Otacon: ¡Ay Snake!
Snake: Colonel, who's this creepy guy?
Colonel: He's not creepy... it's not true, it's bullshit, he's not creepy, he's nawt... oh hi Snake.
Snake: Huh... Colonel! I really don't know who's this guy...
Colonel: Ha! You mean you don't know the worldwide phenomenon: The Room? He made his first appearance in The Room. I see it day and night and I love it so much, huh.
Snake: Yeah... tell me more about his moves. Who's this guy throwing him footballs?
Colonel: That's Mark, he can use teleportation... huh.
Snake: How does he do that?
Colonel: I cannot tell you, it's confidential... how is your sex life, Snake?
Snake: Colonel, what's gotten into you?
Colonel: If everybody loved each other, the world would be a better place...
Snake: You're going nuts, Colonel.
Colonel: Ha! What a story, Snake!
Snake: Colonel, snap out of it! Colonel... COOOLONELL!!! You're tearing me apart, Colonel! ... uh oh...
Colonel: I can't believe it. That someone who has committed all those twisted acts in the woman's bathroom would make it this far... This is the end of the world...
Snake: This guy is offering me food.
Colonel: Snake, there's a fork in the conveyor belt... Your top priority now is to Eat It!
Snake: I will. Just one question tho... Can I take off my pants?
Colonel: Not to my knowledge. But don't forget Snake: this is the end of the world.
Snake: Aaaahhh... You know if I took off all this heavy gear I could get this feeling of inner peace.
- This is the first Snake Codec to use other Metal Gear-related media for the conversations.
Snake: That girl looks just like Madotsuki!
Otacon: Everyone knows about Madotsuki's tragedy... But pretty much no one knows about Yomika's.
Snake: Do you know why she has creepy dreams?
Slippy: Hey Snake!
Snake: What's your theory on Yomika's creepy dreams?
Slippy: I don't know who is that...
Slippy: Don't get mad.
Snake: Fuck you.
Snake: Colonel! Tell me what you know about Yomika.
Colonel: Lol what.
Snake': Mei Ling, why does Yomika has creepy dreams?
Mei-Ling: Mmm... well I hope things turn out ok for her...
Snake: Are you kidding me!?
Otacon: As you can tell, no one knows about Yomika.
Snake: ... More need to know!
Otacon: Yeah well... just don't get too close Snake. Yomika is deadly.
Snake: Don't worry. I know from experience that its the quiet ones that you need to watch out for.
Snake- ...Huh? God?
Colonel- Lol what the shit... it's me, Colonel.
Snake- You know, I just don't like this guy...
Colonel- Snake, you know what can help you with your issues?
(Otacon appears the fuck out of nowhere)
Otacon- ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO!!!
Snake- You're gay Otacon.
Otacon- ¡Ay Snake!